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Who decided that the best way to end a conversation is with "Take care"? It's like saying, "Good luck out there in the treacherous world. I've said my piece, now fend for yourself, you magnificent human.
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You ever notice how microwaves have that button that says "Add 30 seconds"? Like, what's the deal? Is someone out there so pressed for time that they can't commit to a full minute of microwaving? "No, no, just give me 30 seconds; I'm in a rush to mediocrity.
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Why do we trust the snooze button on our alarms so much? It's basically our way of saying, "I don't trust you, morning, but let's keep this relationship going for another 9 minutes, just to see if it gets any better.
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Let's talk about escalators. They're like the lazy person's stairs. You ever see someone standing still on an escalator and think, "Dude, it's moving. Walk! This isn't a ride; it's a moving sidewalk, not a magic carpet.
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Have you ever been in an elevator with strangers and tried to hold in a sneeze because you don't want to share your germs? It's like playing elevator roulette. If it's a long ride, you're just there, eyes watering, trying to keep it together.
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Let's talk about emojis. There's an emoji for everything, right? But where's the emoji for when you're pretending to listen to someone, but your mind is in a hammock somewhere on a beach? We need that little disinterested beach bum emoji.
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Why do we act like we're in a covert mission when the automatic grocery store doors don't open on the first try? "Abort! Abort! We've been compromised by the sliding doors!" It's like Mission: Impossible but with avocados.
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You ever notice that the more expensive the gadget, the shorter the charging cable they provide? I got this thousand-dollar phone; the charger barely reaches the nearest outlet. Are they trying to teach us patience or just sadism?
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You ever notice how we all become Shakespeare when typing Google searches? "Where is the nearest coffee shop open now, thou caffeine angel?" I mean, come on, it's just coffee, not a quest for the Holy Grail.
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