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You ever notice how life can be a bit nutty sometimes? I mean, seriously, I feel like I'm living in a peanut butter jar. Everything's just a little nutty. The other day, I'm at the grocery store, and I decide to buy some mixed nuts. You know, trying to be healthy and all. So, I grab this bag that says "mixed nuts," and I'm thinking, "Great, a variety of nuts, just what I need." But when I get home and open the bag, turns out it's just an entire bag of walnuts. Who decided walnuts were the VIPs of the nut world? I felt betrayed. I wanted variety, not a walnut monopoly! Now, I've got more walnuts than a squirrel on a winter vacation. I feel like my snack choices are nuttier than my ex's dating history.
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Technology is getting nuttier every day. Have you seen these smart refrigerators? They can tell you when you're running out of nuts! I don't need my fridge judging my snacking habits. "Hey, Dave, it's your fridge. You might want to slow down on the almonds. Your waistline is starting to look like a cashew." And then there are these voice-activated devices. I tried telling my virtual assistant to order some mixed nuts, and it decides to order me a squirrel costume instead. Now I'm standing in my living room dressed as a squirrel, wondering if I've reached the peak of human evolution or if I've just gone completely nuts.
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I've got this neighbor, right? Nice guy, but a bit nutty. Every morning, I see him doing some bizarre nutty ritual in his backyard. I finally got the courage to ask him about it. Turns out, he believes that talking to his plants makes them grow better. Fair enough, right? But here's the nutty part—he thinks his plants respond to compliments. He's out there saying, "You're such a beautiful tomato plant. You're the nuttiest tomato plant on the block." I'm just waiting for the day I catch him trying to negotiate with a walnut tree. "Come on, tree, drop those walnuts, and I'll throw in some extra fertilizer. What do you say?" I swear, my neighborhood is nuttier than a fruitcake at a comedy show.
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Let's talk about nut allergies for a moment. I mean, who's the genius who decided to call them "nut allergies"? It's like, "Oh, sorry, I can't have nuts; I'm allergic to nuts." It's a serious condition, but it sounds like a picky eater's excuse. "Oh, I can't eat that, it has nuts. I'm allergic, you know." And then there are people who aren't allergic but just decide they're "nut intolerant." What does that even mean? "I'm sorry, I can't be around you; I'm intolerant to your nuttiness." I feel like I need to start using that excuse in social situations. "Sorry, I can't make it to your party; I'm intolerant to small talk and bad dance moves.
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