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I recently attended a non-profit event, and let me tell you, it was a wild time. The invitation said, "Come join the non-profit party," and I was expecting, I don't know, maybe some low-budget entertainment or at least a DJ with a heart of gold. But no, it was just a bunch of people standing around talking about saving the world. I walked in, and the first person I met said, "We're raising awareness for climate change." I was like, "Great, can we also raise awareness for the fact that this party desperately needs a dance floor?" I mean, come on, people, let's boogie for a cause!
And they had these motivational speakers. One guy was so enthusiastic about recycling; he made me feel guilty for not composting my morning cereal. I was like, "Dude, I just wanted a non-profit pizza party, not an eco-guilt trip!"
I love the intention, but can we make non-profit events a bit more festive? Maybe a non-profit carnival with games like "Pin the Heart on the Volunteer" or a dunk tank where the proceeds go to charity. Let's turn these events into something we want to attend, not just a guilt trip with a cash bar.
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You ever notice how everyone in a non-profit has these fancy titles? It's like they're compensating for the lack of a salary. I met someone who introduced themselves as the "Director of Impactful Synergy." I was like, "Wait, is that a job or the title of a self-help book?" And then there's the "Chief Sustainability Officer." I thought, "Isn't that just a fancy term for the person who makes sure the office plants don't die?" I mean, I care about sustainability too, but I don't need a chief officer for it. I just need a good reusable water bottle.
I'm thinking of giving myself an honorary title like "Supreme Commander of Efficient Jokes." At least that way, when people ask what I do, I can say, "I'm in charge of maximizing laughter potential." Who wouldn't want to donate to that cause?
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You ever notice how they call them "non-profits"? I mean, the name itself is a bit misleading, don't you think? I mean, "non-profit" sounds like a failed business model. If I told you I had a business idea, and I said, "Hey, it's gonna be a non-profit," you'd probably say, "Well, good luck paying your bills with that." I mean, imagine if other things were labeled like that. Like, what if your favorite fast food joint was a non-profit? You'd be ordering a burger, and the cashier would be like, "That'll be $5. Oh, and by the way, we're not making any profit on this, so feel free to tip generously." I'd be like, "Hold on, is this a charity or a drive-thru?"
And what about relationships? Can you imagine going on a date and saying, "Hey, I'm in this for the long haul, and by the way, I'm a non-profit partner. So, don't expect any returns on emotional investments, okay?"
Seems like they need a better name for it. Maybe "pro-kindness" or "anti-greed." I don't know, just something that doesn't make it sound like a failed lemonade stand run by a bunch of well-meaning toddlers.
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Have you ever been cornered by someone trying to get you to donate to a non-profit? They've got these tactics, man. It's like a mix between a guilt trip and a Jedi mind trick. They start with the sad stories. "Did you know that there are kids out there who've never tasted the glory of chocolate milk?" I'm like, "Hold on, are you recruiting for a non-profit or auditioning for a dramatic role in a milk commercial?"
And then there are the guilt-inducing visuals. They show you pictures of starving animals and sad-faced kids, and they're like, "For just the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can make a difference." I'm thinking, "Yeah, but my cup of coffee doesn't follow me around with big eyes and a heartbreaking soundtrack."
But here's the real kicker – they hit you with the guilt combo. "Imagine if you were in their shoes." And I'm like, "I can barely imagine getting through a Monday morning staff meeting. Don't put me in the shoes of a polar bear stranded on a melting ice cap. I'm just here for the comedy, not an existential crisis!"
Non-profits, if you want my money, just make me laugh. Tell me you're saving the world, but do it in a way that doesn't make me feel like I need a therapy session afterward.
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