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You ever notice how "kiss me" sounds more like a command than a request? It's not like, "Hey, would you mind terribly giving me a peck on the cheek?" No, it's a bold, assertive, "kiss me." I'm starting to think there's a secret society out there, the Kiss Illuminati, going around trying to recruit new members. Like, one day you're minding your own business, and suddenly someone hands you a card that says, "Congratulations! You've been chosen to participate in the Kiss Conspiracy. Your initiation begins now."
I can imagine their meetings: "Our mission is simple, folks. Spread love, one unexpected kiss at a time. Remember, we're not just swapping spit; we're changing lives!
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You know, the other day someone walked up to me and just said, "kiss me." I was like, "Whoa, slow down there, Shakespeare! What kind of plot twist is this?" I mean, it's not every day you get a command like that out of the blue. I thought I accidentally stumbled onto the set of a romantic comedy, and I was waiting for the laugh track to kick in. I'm not saying I'm opposed to romance, but can we at least have a little build-up? Maybe start with a "Hello" or "How's it going?" I need a warning, like a kiss advisory. Something like, "Attention: A kiss is imminent. Please prepare your facial expressions accordingly."
It's like they were playing Truth or Dare, and the only option was "Dare." I felt like I was in the middle of a game I didn't sign up for. Next time, at least give me a heads up, like a text message or a memo. "Dear recipient, you are hereby invited to engage in a spontaneous moment of affection. RSVP immediately.
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So, after that whole "kiss me" incident, I couldn't help but wonder: what's the protocol for unexpected kisses? Is there an evaluation form? Can I leave a Yelp review? I mean, what if it's a terrible kiss? Are we allowed to give constructive criticism? "Excuse me, sir, your technique needs improvement. Too much tongue, not enough finesse. Two stars."
And what about consent? Is the mere utterance of "kiss me" legally binding? Can I go around demanding kisses from strangers? "Officer, I swear, she said 'kiss me' first!"
I feel like we need a whole guidebook for this. Chapter one: "The Art of the Surprise Kiss." Chapter two: "Post-Kiss Etiquette." Chapter three: "Legal Ramifications of Unprompted Smooching.
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So, I've been contemplating this whole "kiss me" situation, and I've come to a realization. It's like a choose-your-own-adventure book, but instead of turning to page 72 to battle the dragon, you're deciding whether to pucker up or run for the hills. There's a certain level of pressure, you know? What if you pick the wrong option? Do you get a game over screen? "Sorry, you chose poorly. Better luck next romantic encounter."
And let's not even get into the logistics of it. Do I close my eyes? What do I do with my hands? Is there a manual I missed somewhere? "Kissing for Dummies: A Step-by-Step Guide to Not Messing It Up."
In the end, I think we all just need a little more communication. Maybe instead of a blunt "kiss me," we can have a more nuanced dialogue. "Excuse me, sir, would you be open to the possibility of a consensual and well-executed lip-lock at this juncture?" It's all about clarity, folks.
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