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I can't even make a cup of tea without waiting for the water to boil. It's a real 'steep' challenge.
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I can't even put my shoes on without sitting down. It's my daily sit-up routine.
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I can't even go on a diet because I always break it with a 'piece' of cake.
I can't even… remember the last time I could even!
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You ever have one of those days where you're so overwhelmed you can't even decide if you want to cry or eat a whole cheesecake? I mean, who needs life's complexities when deciding between chocolate and vanilla ice cream is already a monumental task?
I can't even… with these self-checkout machines!
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Every time I try to use one of those self-checkout machines, it's like I'm in a relationship with a robot that keeps saying, Unexpected item in the bagging area. Yeah, my patience.
I can't even… with these reality TV shows!
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You ever watch those reality TV shows where people are fighting over who ate the last cookie? I'm like, Honey, if that's your biggest drama, maybe you need a cookie more than a reality show.
I can't even… with this Wi-Fi!
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You ever try to join a Zoom call and it's like your internet is still living in the dial-up era? I'm over here waiting for the screen to load like it's a slow-motion action sequence in a snail movie.
I can't even… imagine running a marathon!
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People are like, You should run a marathon; it's liberating! Liberating? I can't even run to catch the bus without feeling like I'm auditioning for a remake of The Tortoise and the Hare.
I can't even… handle unsolicited advice!
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You know what grinds my gears? When someone gives you advice like they're handing out free samples at Costco. Oh, you should try this. And this. And maybe also this. Listen, Karen, my life's not a buffet.
I can't even… fathom my teenager's slang!
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My kid says things like on fleek and yeet. I'm like, Back in my day, 'yeet' was just the sound I made when I sneezed too hard! And on fleek? Sounds like a trendy insect.
I can't even… understand modern art!
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I went to a gallery the other day, and there was a piece of art that looked like someone spilled paint and called it 'Emotions on Canvas.' I tried that once at home. My spouse called it a 'disaster' and handed me a mop.
I can't even… with diet trends!
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One minute they're telling you to eat like a caveman, the next, you should only consume air and sunlight. Honestly, I tried that sunlight diet once. Let's just say my skin was glowing, but so were my neighbors' reactions.
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