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You ever notice how horror films are always set in the creepiest places? Like, they never have a horror movie set in a well-lit, suburban neighborhood with friendly neighbors. No, it's always some ancient haunted mansion on top of a hill, surrounded by fog. I'm just thinking, who would even buy a house like that? It's like they're asking for trouble. I tried watching a horror film the other night, and let me tell you, I regretted it. The movie had me jumping at every little sound in my house. My cat knocked over a vase, and I swear I was ready to call in the Ghostbusters. It's like horror films turn your home into a potential crime scene.
And what's with the music in these movies? The moment it gets suspenseful, you know something's about to happen. It's like the soundtrack is a spoiler alert. Imagine if real life had that. You're just walking to the fridge at night, and suddenly ominous music starts playing. I'd be like, "Well, I guess I'll just die of hunger.
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Horror films make you believe that every creaky floorboard and flickering light is a sign of impending doom. In reality, it's just a sign that your house is old and needs some maintenance. I'm not dealing with a ghost; I'm dealing with a leaky roof and faulty wiring. And why do ghosts in movies always have unfinished business? Like, I don't care if you didn't get to say goodbye to your pet goldfish. Move on! If I became a ghost, my unfinished business would be haunting the person who invented alarm clocks. "You thought snooze was going to save you, huh?
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You know how in horror films, the characters always make the worst decisions? Like, if I hear a strange noise in the basement, I'm not going down there to investigate. I'm calling an Uber and leaving the house. "Sorry, ghosts, I have a 4.9-star driver on the way, can't stick around for the haunting." And why do they always split up? It's like, "Hey, there's a psycho killer in the house. Let's separate and cover more ground!" No, that's a terrible strategy. Stick together, form a human barricade, and watch a comedy instead. Laughter is the best defense.
Also, have you noticed how these characters never have a solid escape plan? If I'm in a haunted house, I'm locating all the exits, checking the fire escape routes, and calculating the fastest way to get to the nearest Starbucks for a latte. You can't fight ghosts on an empty stomach.
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Let's talk about horror film logic for a moment. You hear a noise in the basement, and instead of calling the police, you decide to investigate with a flashlight. Yeah, because that's what the SWAT team does – they charge into dark places with minimal visibility. And the ghost-hunting equipment these characters use? A compass, a candle, and some string. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to hunt ghosts, I'm bringing the latest technology. I want night-vision goggles, an EMF detector, and a GPS system so I don't get lost in the afterlife.
In conclusion, horror films are like a guide on how not to survive in spooky situations. If the characters followed my advice, those movies would be about 10 minutes long, and everyone would live happily ever after. But where's the fun in that, right?
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