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Why do people in horror movies never turn on the lights? It's like, "Oh, the power's out, and there's a murderer on the loose? Let me navigate this pitch-black house with a small candle, because that's the perfect way to stay alive.
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You ever notice how in horror films, people always decide to investigate strange noises? Like, if I hear a weird sound in my house, I'm not grabbing a flashlight and heading towards the basement. I'm grabbing my phone and heading towards the exit – survival level: lazy detective.
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Horror movie logic: When you see a creepy, abandoned building in the woods, you think, "That's a great place for a weekend getaway!" In real life, I see a rundown shack and think, "That's where the raccoons probably have their secret society meetings. I'll pass.
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Why is it that in horror movies, the cell phones never have reception? I'm starting to think ghosts just have really advanced signal jammers. "Sorry, we can't connect your call right now. The spirit you're trying to reach is out of coverage area.
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In horror films, the protagonists always manage to find a weapon in the most unlikely places. Meanwhile, I can't even find my car keys half the time. If my life depended on it, I'd be the guy fighting off zombies with a baguette.
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Horror movies love to use creepy kids, like, "Oh, look at little Timmy talking to his imaginary friend. It's so cute!" In reality, if my kid starts talking to an invisible friend, I'm calling the priest, the Ghostbusters, and maybe even the Avengers – just to be safe.
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You ever notice how in horror films, the haunted house is always affordable? "Oh, honey, look at this charming place. It's only haunted by a couple of ghosts – we can negotiate with them, right?" I can barely afford a non-haunted studio apartment.
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Have you ever noticed that horror movie characters never seem to have practical skills? I mean, you're being chased by a monster, and all you can do is trip over your own feet and scream? At least take a self-defense class before deciding to live in a haunted neighborhood.
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I watched a horror film the other day where the protagonist decided to hide in a closet. I couldn't help but think, "Have they never seen a horror movie before? That's like ordering a pizza during a diet – it might satisfy you momentarily, but it's not gonna end well.
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Horror movie characters must be the only people who think splitting up is a great idea. You'd never see that in real life. Imagine you and your friends getting lost in a mall: "Alright, let's all split up and see who can find the food court first. The suspense is killing me!
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