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You ever notice how people always say they're happier than something? Like, "I'm happier than a clam at high water" or "happier than a seagull with a french fry." Well, let me tell you, I'm happier than a tofu turkey on Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's right, a tofu turkey. I mean, think about it. Thanksgiving is the ultimate food holiday, right? Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and then there's me with my tofu turkey. It's like showing up to a party in a clown costume when everyone else is dressed in black tie. And you know what's worse? Trying to convince your grandma that tofu is the future of holiday feasting.
Grandma's looking at it like, "What is this? Is it a turkey or a sponge?" I'm like, "No, Grandma, it's the gateway to a healthier lifestyle." She's not buying it. But hey, at least I'm happier than that tofu turkey. It doesn't know what's about to happen.
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You ever find yourself in the middle of nowhere and miraculously discover that your phone has a full WiFi signal? I swear, nothing makes me happier than stumbling upon a WiFi signal in the wilderness. I was on a road trip recently, driving through the absolute middle of nowhere. No buildings, no people, just tumbleweeds and cacti. I pull out my phone, fully expecting it to tell me I'm in a cellular dead zone, and what do I see? A strong WiFi signal. I couldn't believe it.
I immediately became the hero of the car. "Fear not, fellow road-trippers, for I have found the sacred WiFi oasis!" It's like finding water in the desert, except it's a signal that lets me send memes to my friends. I was happier than a WiFi signal in the middle of nowhere.
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You know who's always happy? Cats. And you know what makes them happier than a catnip-filled mouse? A laser pointer. I mean, have you ever seen a cat chase a laser pointer? It's like their whole world revolves around that little red dot. I tried it with my cat the other day, and I've never seen him move so fast. He's darting around the room, leaping over furniture, thinking he's on some secret mission to catch the elusive red dot. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there with the laser pointer, thinking, "I've never felt so powerful in my life."
But here's the thing – my cat never catches that dot. It just disappears, and he's left looking around like, "Where did it go?" And I'm sitting there thinking, "Well, I guess I'm happier than a cat with a laser pointer, because at least I know where my dot went.
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Dogs, they're the embodiment of pure joy. And you know what makes them happier than a belly rub? A squeaky toy. If you've never seen a dog with a squeaky toy, you're missing out on one of life's greatest comedies. I got my dog a squeaky toy once, thinking it would be a fun little distraction. Little did I know, that squeaky toy would become the soundtrack of my life. My dog, he's squeezing that thing at all hours of the day, like he's trying to communicate with the squeaky underworld.
I can't watch a movie, have a conversation, or even think in peace. It's just constant squeak, squeak, squeak. But you know what? Despite the noise, I've realized I'm happier than a dog with a squeaky toy, because at least he's living his best squeaky life, and that's something we can all aspire to.
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