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I decided to get in shape recently. I thought, "I'm gonna be the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the geek world!" So, I hit the gym, and it turns out, lifting a mouse and keyboard doesn't count as weightlifting. Who knew? I tried running, but my Fitbit assumed I was in a coma. It was like, "Are you sure you're not just binge-watching Netflix?" My idea of a triathlon is switching between laptop, desktop, and tablet.
And let's talk about gym attire. You've got these buff guys in tank tops, and then there's me in a shirt that says, "No, I will not fix your computer." I feel like I'm on a different quest - while they're looking for gains, I'm on a quest to find where my six-pack went, and not the one with abs.
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Work is another battleground for geeks. There's always that one guy who brags about knowing every programming language under the sun. I'm like, "Dude, you can code in ancient Greek, but can you figure out why the printer is possessed and keeps eating my reports?" And don't get me started on office meetings. It's like an epic quest to destroy the One Ring - a lot of walking, some awkward silences, and in the end, you wonder if it was really worth it.
I tried explaining agile methodology to my boss once. "It's like leveling up in a video game. We set short-term goals, gain experience points, and at the end of the sprint, we celebrate with pizza and Mountain Dew." My boss just stared at me and said, "Can we stick to PowerPoint, please?
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You ever notice how dating as a geek is like trying to install software on a computer from the '90s? It's slow, it's full of bugs, and there's a good chance it's gonna crash. I tried online dating, thinking it was like coding - just find the right algorithm, and bam! Love.exe installs itself. But no, instead, it felt more like searching for a needle in a stack overflow. I went on a date recently, and my date asked if I was into any sports. I said, "Yeah, I do competitive sitting." She looked at me like I just quoted Shakespeare in Klingon. "Competitive sitting?" she asked. "Yeah, it's like a marathon, but without the running part. The trick is not to spill your Mountain Dew while reaching for the remote."
Seems like romance for geeks is like debugging code - it takes longer than you expect, it's filled with unexpected errors, and just when you think you've got it all figured out, a new version comes out, and you have to start all over again.
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I recently became a parent, and it's a whole new level of geekiness. My kid asked me where babies come from, and I started explaining it like computer programming. "You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other, they create a merge conflict, but if they resolve it properly, a new branch is created." My kid looked at me and said, "Can't you just say the stork brought them?" Getting my kid to eat vegetables is like trying to convince a gamer to go outside. "Come on, it's good for you!" I feel like a wizard trying to cast a spell, chanting, "Eat your broccoli-us nutriticus!
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