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I went to a gun show recently, and I've never seen so many people excited about something that's essentially just a metal stick that makes loud noises. It's like we're all still kids, but now with more dangerous toys.
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You ever notice how gun enthusiasts have this whole language of their own? "This is my baby, a 9mm with custom grips and a tactical rail." Meanwhile, I'm over here struggling to explain why my toaster has seven different settings.
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I saw a sign at a gun store that said, "Protection you can trust." I don't know about you, but I've never trusted anything that comes with a manual and a "Batteries Not Included" disclaimer.
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I've never understood the fascination with concealed carry. I can't even find my keys half the time – imagine trying to remember where you stashed a loaded firearm under pressure. "Wait, is it in the left sock or the right sock?
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You know, they say guns don't kill people, people kill people. But have you ever tried asking someone for a favor with a gun in your hand? Suddenly, they're the friendliest person you've ever met!
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You ever notice how action movie heroes never have to reload? I tried that once playing Nerf with my nephew, and let me tell you, my James Bond impression quickly turned into a desperate search for spare foam darts.
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I was at the gun range the other day, and it occurred to me that shooting targets is the only time where it's socially acceptable to be a terrible shot. No one's impressed if you're a sharpshooter at a water balloon fight, but at the range, you're a hero!
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My friend asked me if I wanted to join a gun club. I declined, explaining that I already have a club where we gather every week to discuss our favorite action movies. It's called the "Couch Potato Firearms Enthusiasts Club.
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They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but have you ever tried bringing a pen to a gunfight? Spoiler alert: it doesn't end well for the guy with the Bic.
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