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People say they're cooler than a polar bear in a snowstorm. First of all, have you ever seen a polar bear in a snowstorm? I imagine it's just a lot of white fluff with occasional roars. I tried being cooler than a polar bear in a snowstorm once. I stood outside during a blizzard, wearing sunglasses and a fur coat, thinking I was the epitome of cool. Turns out, I was just the epitome of freezing. Now, whenever someone says they're cooler than a polar bear in a snowstorm, I just nod and think, "Yeah, but can you dance like one? I bet not.
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You know that saying, "I'm cooler than the other side of the pillow"? Who came up with that? I mean, I get it; the other side of the pillow is supposedly cooler, but how did it become the benchmark for coolness? Did someone just wake up in the middle of the night and go, "Eureka! I've found it! I'm cooler than the other side of the pillow!" I tried using this line once. I walked into a party, and someone asked, "How you doing?" I confidently replied, "I'm cooler than the other side of the pillow." They looked at me like I just quoted Shakespeare in Klingon. Note to self: Pillow references don't always make you the life of the party.
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Remember the Fonz from "Happy Days"? That guy was the definition of cool. But now everyone thinks they're cooler than the Fonz. I saw a guy the other day trying to start his motorcycle by just giving it a thumbs up. Sorry, buddy, that only works in sitcoms from the '70s. People brag about being cooler than the Fonz, but let me tell you, the Fonz wouldn't be caught dead saying he's cooler than anything. He'd just snap his fingers, and coolness would radiate from him like a force field. So, if you're claiming to be cooler than the Fonz, just remember, he's the OG cool, and you're just a cool wannabe.
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You ever notice how people always claim to be cooler than something? "I'm cooler than a cucumber," they say. Really? I've never seen a cucumber in sunglasses and a leather jacket. Imagine a cucumber rolling up to a club like, "Yeah, I'm here to chill, and maybe get into a pickle." And what's the deal with being cooler than ice? Ice is already pretty cool, literally. You can't get much cooler than freezing water. People act like being cooler than ice is the ultimate achievement. I tried telling my thermostat that I'm cooler than ice, but all it did was lower the temperature. Now I'm sitting in my living room wearing a snowsuit, thinking, "Maybe I overdid it.
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