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You ever wonder if the Holy Ghost just walks into a bar, sits down, and overhears people's conversations? I mean, he's supposed to be everywhere, right? So, picture this: The Holy Ghost walks into a bar, hears someone confessing their sins, and goes, "Well, this is awkward. I was just trying to enjoy a divine cocktail, and now I know way too much about your browser history." And then, imagine if the Holy Ghost had a Yelp review for human behavior. "Two stars for effort, but seriously, guys, do better. And the music in that bar? Definitely not heavenly."
I bet the Holy Ghost has a great sense of humor. He's probably up there laughing at our earthly problems, thinking, "You guys take life way too seriously. I mean, have you seen the size of the universe? Perspective, people!
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Have you ever noticed how Catholic churches always have those little fonts of holy water near the entrance? I feel like they put those there just to keep us on our toes. You walk in, dip your fingers in, and suddenly, you're blessing yourself like you're auditioning for a water aerobics class. And then there's the eternal question: Is it rude to take a sip? I mean, it's right there, and it's holy, so it's probably the holiest water you can find. But then I'm thinking, if I take a sip, am I going to burst into flames or get some divine indigestion? Can you imagine explaining that to Saint Peter at the pearly gates? "Yeah, I didn't make it to church every Sunday, but I did hydrate with holy water!
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You know, I was thinking the other day about how Catholic priests have to listen to people's confessions. I mean, imagine being stuck in a tiny box, and people just keep coming in, pouring out their sins like it's a gossip session. It's like a holy therapy session, but instead of advice, you get a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father. I'm just picturing a priest sitting there, trying not to zone out while someone confesses the same sin for the hundredth time. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I ate a whole pint of ice cream again." And the priest is probably thinking, "Yeah, that's not a sin, that's just a great Friday night."
I wonder if priests ever get competitive about who hears the juiciest sins. Like, is there a confessional MVP award? "Congratulations, Father Mike, you've listened to the most scandalous confessions this month. Your prize? A lifetime supply of incense and holy water.
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I think it's time we give the confession booth a little upgrade. I mean, it's the 21st century; we have self-driving cars and robots vacuuming our houses. Why are we still confessing our sins in what basically amounts to a spiritual porta-potty? I'm envisioning a high-tech confessional with a touch screen and a sin-scanning app. You just input your sins, and it calculates the appropriate penance. "You stole a candy bar? Three 'Our Fathers' and 20 jumping jacks. You binge-watched Netflix instead of going to church? A rosary and a 10-minute plank."
And can we get some soundproofing in there too? I don't need the whole congregation hearing about my questionable life choices. The last thing I need is Aunt Mildred giving me side-eye during Sunday brunch because she knows I double-dipped at the communion wine.
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