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Relationships are tricky. They tell you, "Just be yourself," but the first time you leave your dirty socks lying around, suddenly, it's a problem. I tried being myself in a relationship, and my partner said, "Can you be yourself somewhere else for a moment?" And the dating apps? They're all about authenticity. So, I uploaded a picture of me binge-watching Netflix with a caption that said, "Looking for someone to join me in my natural habitat." I got zero matches. Apparently, people want you to be yourself, but only if yourself is a combination of Ryan Gosling and a gourmet chef.
So, being yourself in relationships is like trying to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle—you're just hoping you don't set everything on fire. Maybe I'll start a dating app for people who appreciate the beauty of mismatched socks and cold pizza. Who's with me?
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You ever hear people say, "Just be yourself"? I mean, come on, if I were myself all the time, I'd be in sweatpants, eating pizza, and binge-watching cat videos on YouTube. Is that the version of myself I'm supposed to bring to a first date? And what's with the pressure to be authentic all the time? I tried being myself at a job interview once. They asked me about my weaknesses, and I said, "Well, I tend to procrastinate, and I've been known to hit the snooze button one too many times." Needless to say, they were looking for someone more 'motivated.'
So, being yourself is overrated. I tried it, and all I got was weird looks and a rejected job application. Maybe I should start being someone else, like Batman or Beyoncé. Imagine walking into a job interview dressed as Batman—now that's a power move!
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Let's talk about social media. They say, "Just be yourself online." But have you ever tried being yourself on Instagram when everyone's posting these perfectly curated photos? I posted a selfie once, and someone commented, "Are you okay? You look different." Yeah, I looked like me, not a photoshopped version of a magazine cover. And don't get me started on influencers. They're like, "Just be authentic!" Meanwhile, they're getting paid to drink detox tea and pretend they wake up looking flawless. If I posted a photo of myself waking up, it would scare away my followers.
So, being yourself on social media is like bringing a kazoo to a symphony orchestra—it's just not the right fit. Maybe I should hire a personal photographer to follow me around, capturing my 'authentic' moments, like me reheating pizza for the third time this week.
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You know when family gatherings roll around, and everyone's like, "Just be yourself"? Well, that's a lot easier said than done. If I were truly myself at Thanksgiving, I'd be the person hiding in the corner with a plate of mashed potatoes, avoiding small talk. And don't even get me started on family photos. They want candid shots, but the second you let your guard down, Aunt Mildred's snapping pictures of you mid-blink. "Oh, that's so you!" Yeah, me with my eyes closed, great.
So, at family gatherings, being yourself means smiling through awkward conversations and pretending you don't hear the comments about your life choices. Maybe I'll bring a cardboard cutout of myself next time, so I can enjoy the mashed potatoes in peace.
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