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Being a parent to a 12-year-old girl is like solving a mystery every day. You think you've got it all figured out, and then they hit you with a plot twist that leaves you scratching your head. My daughter came up to me the other day and said, "Dad, can I get a piercing?" I'm thinking, "Sweetie, you're 12, the only thing you should be piercing is the capri sun pouch with the straw." And don't even get me started on their fashion sense. They walk out of the house looking like they raided a unicorn's closet. I asked my daughter, "Why are you wearing glitter from head to toe?" She looked at me dead in the eyes and said, "Because glitter is life, Dad." I'm just waiting for the day she asks for a pet unicorn to complete the ensemble.
But the real mystery is their obsession with YouTube influencers. I tried watching one of those videos with my daughter, and I felt like I was in a parallel universe where people get famous for unboxing cereal. I miss the good old days when the only influencer in my life was the guy on the cereal box telling me to eat my Wheaties.
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These 12-year-old girls and their social media antics, I swear. My niece asked me to follow her on Instagram, and I'm scrolling through her feed like, "When did preteens become professional photographers?" Every selfie looks like a Vogue cover shoot. Meanwhile, my Instagram is just pictures of my food with the caption, "Dinner time, y'all!" And they have this mysterious ability to take a hundred pictures in the span of five minutes. I'm over here struggling to take one decent photo, and they're like, "Hold my unicorn smoothie while I strike a pose." By the time I'm ready, they've already posted a gallery, written a novel in the caption, and moved on to the next trend.
But the real kicker is the filters. My daughter asked me which filter I liked, and I'm like, "I don't know, the one that makes me look like I've had eight hours of sleep and zero stress?" These girls have filters that turn them into literal Disney characters. Where was that filter when I had braces and acne?
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You ever notice how 12-year-old girls are like a whole different species? I mean, I remember being 12, but these girls today are like mini adults with their own secret society and language. They're like, "OMG, TTYL, BRB!" I'm over here like, "I just learned how to spell 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' without looking it up!" But seriously, I was talking to my friend's 12-year-old daughter the other day, and she was telling me about her crush. She's 12, and she's already an expert in the language of love. She said, "He looked at me, and I was like, totally shook!" I'm thinking, "When I was 12, my crush was the ice cream truck guy, and my pickup line was, 'Can I get two scoops of mint chocolate chip, please?'"
Tweenage girls are also obsessed with TikTok. They spend hours perfecting those dances. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying not to pull a muscle just watching them. And don't even get me started on the drama. One day they're BFFs, and the next day, they're mortal enemies. It's like high school drama on fast forward. I miss the days when my biggest concern was whether I could finish my homework before cartoons started.
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Let's talk about homework for a minute. Remember when homework was just math problems and book reports? Now, these 12-year-olds are doing projects that require a degree in rocket science. My daughter came to me with a science project that involved creating a model of the solar system. I'm over here struggling to remember which planet is which, and she's like, "Dad, you forgot Neptune! Ugh, parents." And don't even get me started on Common Core math. I'm convinced it's a secret society trying to confuse parents. I asked my daughter for help, and she looked at me like I asked her to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded. "Dad, it's simple. You just have to imagine the numbers as emojis and solve it like a puzzle." I'm just trying to figure out how emojis became the new universal language.
But despite the homework havoc, I have to admit, watching my 12-year-old navigate these challenges is like witnessing a tiny superhero conquer the academic battlefield. I just hope she doesn't expect me to be her sidekick in the next science fair. I'm still recovering from the solar system project.
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